Why I Don't Write More Often

Lots of people want me to write this blog...

Ok so by 'lots of people' I mean my wife, family and a couple friends. Truth be told, I really want to write this blog. I have a lot of funny things happening to me and I want to share and remember them. Today I posted the Robot Monster story which was pretty much copy and paste from facebook and change the names to protect the innocent. No sweat right?

You are wrong. In fact, you could not be more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful.

I now reference the ravaged stick of butter in the picture.

"Oh goodness," you say? Perhaps, "Where is the rest of that stick of butter"? Or the parents among you, "Are those the fingerprints of a 2 year old"?

The remainder of the butter is covering the Daughterchild. Yes, she now has an oily sheen to her that is reminiscent of a college frat party wrestling match I am already forbidding her from participating in.

She was out of my sight for 5 minutes. Five very quiet minutes. By the time the feeling of "Oh God its too quiet," had registered in my brain the damage was done. She was trying to hug the dog, who was licking her leg happily.

As a stay at home dad, I have to be an attentive, busy dude. I intend to work on integrating time for writing in my schedule but its sadly gonna take more time than I like.

Lesson of the day: In parenting, if you stop paying attention for a second you end up doing hours of avoidable work.

The Saga of the Robot Monster

I was putting the kiddos to bed last night and I asked The Boy if he wanted to say his prayers. As usual he was wicked excited. He held hands with me and The Daughterchild and proceded to drop this number on me.

"Jesus name and thank you for safe. And Mommy and Sister safe. And thank you for us watch Ratty Tootie and go to sleep for a long long long time. And not let the robot monsters to get me... this time. Safe again and again and again. The End. Amen."

In telling this to others there was fear (probably legitimate) that my near obsession with Star Wars may be causing life scarring issues with the kiddos. I felt it was time to share the full story of the Robot Monster Saga. If for no other reason than to vindicate Star Wars, possibly the greatest Science Fiction movie ever.

When I was two (my parents have told me) that I use to say I couldn't go to bed because, "Monsters were eating my mattress."

The Boy has a similar problem. One night while I was still driving truck for a living, he began telling CA he couldn't go to bed cause there were Robot Monsters in his bedroom. Explaining that there were no monsters was a fruitless effort. CA, being who she is, and way more creative than me, grabbed a trash bag and I think a shoe. She went in The Boy's room, told him to stay in the hall and shut the door. She banged on the walls, slammed the closet door a few times and filled the trash bag with air and twisted the top.

When she came out shaking the bag shouting, "I got it!" The Boy was in the hall with eyes the size of dinner plates.

"What you do Mommy?"

"I got the robot monster. I'm taking him outside to put him in the trash."

The Boy watched attentively from the window as she went outside, opened the trash can and put the empty bag, that later deflated, in the trash can and slammed the lid down tight. She shot him a thumbs up. He returned it and went to bed without a problem.

Its very important you understand that she told me NONE of this.

We live in the boondocks and don't have trash pick up. Once or twice a week I run the cans to the dump which is maybe 2 miles away.

I asked The Boy a few days later if he wanted to go with me to the dump (He pronounces it tha doomp). He was of course more thrilled than a hound dog to be going for a ride in the car. He ran out, opened the door and hopped in his car seat and began trying to buckle the seat belt. I buckled his seat belt and everything was super-terrific!

And then I put a trash can in the back of the SUV.

He came UNHINGED! I mean Defcon 1-the sky is falling-Godzilla at the Tokoyo city limits loss of control.

I had no idea why.

Between tears and howls he "explained" (*read* I was able to almost understand and piece together) that 1. there were robot monsters in the trash 2. they were bad and 3. gonna get him.

This made no sense to me, but I went with it. I showed him the trashcan lids can't come off easy and that they were in the back back, not in his seat. Also, I let him hold my Zombie Hammer ( its an 18 inch framing hammer I keep in the car in case of Zombie Apocalypse) "just in case" and that helped a lot.

When we got to the dump I unbuckled The Boy's seat belt and let him watch the trash go into the compactor. Then the attendant (which is a whole different story in itself) crushed the trash. Then he compacted it a second time for The Boy "just to be sure." He was referring to the squishing of the trash, but The Boy took it to mean he was really giving it to the robot monsters, who I assumed deserved it. The Boy and I looked in the cans to make sure they were empty and put them back in the car. We drove home and put the cans up.

I told CA what happened and she howled the whole time. Also, I think she insisted upon a pee break while I was telling the story. Then she told me her half of the story.

Since then, we rarely have had issues with the Robot Monsters, and The Boy ALWAYS wants to go with me to tha doomp.

So I remember

Ok, so I started in January and I'm a little light on the "many" part. For now I want to preserve some anonymity for my wife and kids. I can refer to myself with 1st person pronouns with little confusion on the part of others. One of my pet peeves however is a sentence, spoken or written, where they or them is used to describe 2 or more parties. I find too much brain power is required to decipher the desired result. When presented with this scenario I usually purposely misconstrue what is being said.

Hey, sometimes when my brain hurts I'm a bit of a jerk... sue me.

To avoid confusion (on my part, not necessarily yours as a reader) I am listing a general collection of the characters I expect to run in to in my tales. I will add to this as need be.

Me:Me
My Wife:CA
Our Son: The Boy
Our Daughter: The Daughterchild

As you can see these are pretty straight forward. In the future I intend to use names of similar simplicity. Ex. My mother-in-law is going to be My Favorite Mother-in-Law.

As I said, this is more for me than for you guys. Thanks for your patience. Now for something worth reading.